B.C.: Before Catholicism

B.C. : Before Catholicism

Before my parents decided to send me to catholic school, I was a public school boy...for like a year. That year being Kindergarten. It was the last year I would be allowed to experience the joys and wonders of the public school system in the city of Richmond, CA. Looking back, that is a good thing.

Also, I do not know what exactly was the reasoning for this decision my parents made. Was it the fact that the school system at the time was not as strong as they wanted it to be and wanted to expose me to a better education? Was it that the social climate in the city was changing and not in a good way? Or was it that fact that at the age of 5 when my parents backs were turned and I was in school I was being a little shit? I guess I will never know. All I know is I am glad they made the decision because the education I got I would not trade for anything.

I honestly cannot believe how much of a little shit I was in kindergarten and it amazes me that the teacher didn't try to take me out of my misery. I am sure I tried her patience. Keeping to my promise to not say names, I will make an exception here because I am sure she is no longer with us. She was old when I was in her class, and honestly now that I think back looked like Ruth Gordon from "Rosemary's Baby". Yes, she was THAT old. Her name? Mrs.Equistapade.

Try pronouncing the name before I phonetically spell it out for you: Equistapade.

OK, so to say her name it goes like this: E-Quest-A-Paid. My secret nick name for her was Mrs A-quest-for-pain. I called her this because I felt that this was her calling in life: a quest to cause me mental pain.

I did not make life easy for her, as I am sure my acting up caused her to have her already gray hair turn whiter than cotton. Why did I do it, I wonder. She did seem to have an attitude like she was auditioning to be a strict militant school marm in "Reform School Girls" or something, so maybe it was me trying to stand up to the man. My mom was a former hippie child after all, even earning her hippie stripes by surviving the infamous Altamont concert where The Rolling Stones played and that poor girl got stabbed by The Hell's Angels. Maybe it was a hippie rebellion gene kicking in (if such a gene exists it explains A LOT about me and my quirky personality and political views).

However, I do not think my mom's way for rebelling against the fact that I was being punished by being placed inside the coat closet area was trying on all her classmates' coats and pretending to be in a fashion show. Yep, at the ripe age of five, I was doing this. Whoever says you are not born gay I say is clueless and I present this as Exhibit A. Oh, and I was caught by Mrs Equistapade. This did not please her, so she had the school principal call in my mom for a conference.

As I am writing this, I think I know now why I fought her like I did, and honestly it is totally her fault. Since it was kindergarten I was in, school was half a day for me at the time. I lived 1 1/2 blocks away from the school, so after a few months my parents decided to stop paying for hot lunch and milk for me and just feed me at home instead. Well, I was not told this by anyone so when I was denied my pizza and chocolate milk, it upset me. You never ever stand in the way of a five year old boy and his pizza/chocolate milk combo. At least not me. On top of this, I enjoyed walking home with my classmates, so I decided to wait for them.

After they were done, they came outside with E-Quest-For-Pain and saw me still there. She yelled at me, wanting to, know what I was still doing around the school. Before I got a chance to tell her, she grabbed me by my ear, tossed me off to her right and yelled at me to go home. What a bitch. It's one thing to deny me my pizza and chocolate milk goodness, but to deny me the chance to tell you why I was still there and then man handle my ear about it? Oh, it's on, bitch.

And it was on. Coat closet incident was just the beginning. The following incidents then proceeded to happen in that class:

1) I took up pinching the asses of my classmates. The funny thing? The boys let me. They thought it was funny. Hmmmm

2) We were acting out fairy tales and I was cast as The Big Bad Wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. I had my first ever experience with improv that day as I decided the wolf was going to eat the wood cutter and kiss Red Riding Hood.

3) On her wits end one day, Mrs Equistapade sent me and another girl outside to sit on the bench and think about how bad we were for disrupting the class. Yeah send two kids to sit outside, exposed on a school grounds that was not closed off from anyone who decided to wander in. Hell we could have been kidnapped as far as I know and I bet Mrs Equistapade would think "GOOD!" if it happened. Anyways, we decided to play our own game while outside called "Acting Up In Church". She played my mom and we were trying to get through a church service, and I would act up. She would then ask the preacher if she had permission to take me outside the church and "beat the un-holy hell" out of me. Then she would spank me like I am sure her mom did to her when she acted up in church. We were caught.

Shortly after incident #3, my parents told me that I was going to be leaving that school and going to a catholic school instead. To prepare for this, they got me baptised. I was now Catholic. A new adventure awaited in the world of Catholic School Education. You know, maybe it was ultimately me that caused my parents to make this choice. I guess I will never exactly know.